The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
