Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
