Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
