She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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