I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
