What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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