Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
