so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
