we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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