It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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