when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
