my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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