when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
