yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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