it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
