Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
