Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
