I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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