if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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