We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
