Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
