I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
