i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
PANTIES FOUND
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