hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
