Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
