my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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