I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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