I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
