I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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