My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
