So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize