Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
