To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
