Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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