My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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