The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
