We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So much rum. So many feels.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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