Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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