brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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