i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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