I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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