Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Someone came in the potted fern
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
