Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
