Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
