My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
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