Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
