And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
