I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
