Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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