come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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