Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
