did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
