I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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