he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
