1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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