Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
