I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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