His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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