take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
