I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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