found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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